Category: Joke Board
What most people don't seem to realise is that there are very important life lessons in pornographic films. Probably because they're a bit preoccupied with previous engagements. So for the good of the people, I have studiously watched every pornographic film I could get my sticky little fingers on and have compiled this list for you all.
What I've Learned From Watching Porn
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock
in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
24. Women never have headaches.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
31. Pigtails = handlebars.
wow...just wow. :)
rofl i'm amused
ROFLROFLROFL!!! So true! lol funny, real life isn't that way huh? Thanks for posting, it was great.
Hahaha! Glad you all agree. Personally, I always found it amusing when the girl undoes the guys pants. He pops out, and she's got this wide-eyed, open mouthed expression of pleasant surprise on her face. It's like she's saying "Oh my God! You keep your cock in here? I had no idea! I was expecting candy, but this'll do just fine."
Oh, and the one in about the boyfriend and the girlfriend in the bushes ... don't try that one, guys. Seriously, I don't think that one's true. I disproved my own theory, ironically, about two hours after I originally posted this.
so much porn, so little time. dude, you are on your way to becoming the next zone stud. just dont get to pissed of when your creation bites you in the ass. o, yes...funny observations. now move on to gay porn. or midget porn.
lol wow. I think this wins the unique joke post of the week or somesuch.
Definitely funnier than most of the lists I've posted. I'd copy and paste and send to friends, but I'm afraid most would be offended. LOL Those wimps.
hahahahaahaha rofllmao! wow that is hularious! love this board!
OMG! Just fuckin helareous! I love it love it! Oh, also, the only way you can get your girlfriend pregnant is by shooting spirm in her eye. Hahaha.
Some of those things listed on the list are true:
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
Women don’t do this all of the time, but when they do…
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
You might get a smile, but remember, first, you must pick the right woman; or prepared to have something dangly ripped off.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
Again, some women really enjoy it.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
Only if you are lucky, so good luck to the both of you!
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
It’s been known to happen; we can exercise self control and achieve this great task.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
This is absolutely true; I have sources that will confirm it.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Now, what’s wrong with this? It’s quite common actually.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'
This should be a public service announcement.
26. Assholes are clean.
It’s not so much that they are clean; it’s more like they are not as dirty as one might think they are.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.
There is nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm!
29. Men don't have to beg.
Honestly, who does?
30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
Hmmm, everyone is guilty of a little posing, flexing during those intimate times.
rofl!
Rofl. Very, very amusing! Thanks for posting. It definitely made me laugh.
Interesting--guess you'd find an expanded version of the article on another site... here's a bit more of a catch in the subject in general. For those without sarcastic taste, go to some site that satisfies you, and stop reading this.
32. A Penis joke is an appropriate lead-in to the so-called "nasty".
33. Geeks never have to beg.
34. Every girl on the planet is bi
35. Mitt Romney starred in a psycho-galactic porno.
36. When women are having their last orgasm, it's important to show a close-up of the man's face for all of it.
37. Pubic hair is just a myth.
38. Men always wear watches
Porn (sometimes called Pornography--by proodish 40-year-olds and Thomas Preece--or Pr0n--by 13-year-olds on IRC) is awesome consists of pictures of naked people who touch other naked people. It's purpose is to satisfy sad desperate individuals who touch themselves so they can shoot "love goo" around and go "ooooooooooooooo". The word
pornography comes from the term "Police Officers Running
Naked On Guard Rails And Prince Harry's Yard", but has now become better known as naked people in general. Porn has been accredited by the U.S. Surgeon
General.
George Bush has been quoted for saying "Pornography is better than my lady bush!". We all think of porn. Harry Potter thinks of Ron Weasley as being his
personal pornstar.
The Internet was designed by the US military and some universities to supply our soldiers with Porn. But in the near past some people that were addicted
to the Dark Side abused the internet to distribute free information, open source software, and other bad and devastating things. An interesting definition for porn is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating.
According to the Guild of American Porno Photographers, the following rules must be complied with at all times:
• Porn actresses must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 if they're in MILF porn.
• It is mandatory for porn actresses to be either bi or lesbian.
• Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
• Pasty white 40-year old flesh, as much as possible, is not highly erotic, and shouldn't be shown in such warty close-up detail that even the goldfish
on top of the TV are scared. On the other hand, if it's older than 60 it is universally regarded as highly erotic most likely because old people are more
fertile.
• The subterranean/behind-the-guy's-ass view must be on the screen for a minimum of 95% of every Anabolic or Justin Slayer Productions scene.
• As soon as any sexual activity starts in a porn movie, all pretence at following a plot must be abandoned, along with every shred of clothing (remember,
lingerie ≠ sexy). High heels are the sole exception to this rule, due to intense pressure from the powerful international podiatrist lobby.
• Stills internet pornography must feature 200 shots which only slightly vary from each other.
• Presidential International Export Control Orders (PURN II) stipulate that US porn must always be at least ten per cent below the 'extreme serious threshold'
of
German pornography.
• Girl's Gone Wild are effing hot
• Free pornography does not exist. Googling the phrase 'free porn' will get you absolutely nowhere.
• Paris Hilton porn is full of cock.
• Sales and marketing material must always be less than ten per cent indicative on contents, and this applies to pack shots of models too.
• Every American must, by law, have enough porn underneath their beds to sustain an erection until they die.
• All porn actresses must go through 4 years of corrective acting school where they are taught by Ben Affleck how to be unemotive and how to give head.
• All male porn actors must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on during the good bits. If Italian, they may dispense with the mustache
and socks; however, they must be middle-aged, balding, and must leave their underwear on for God's sake.
• Every fake celebrity nude page on the Internet must feature at least one "trick" thumbnail which, when clicked, displays a shot of the celebrity as morbidly
obese or with a hideous face. This is necessary in order to allow the viewer's penis to rest and prevent erectile explosion.
• None of the above applies to celebrities.
• According to Newton's Fourth Law of Pornography, the wobbliness of the boobies is directly proportional to the perversity of the act performed. Unfortunately,
the first three laws were destroyed in the Great Internet History Deletion (creation of the universe) of 1970.
• If there is a black male in a porn scene he must have a
penis of over 12 inches in length or average length for these male types.
• If there is an extremely hot girl in a porn scene the balance must be restored by making a 69 year old man fuck her.
• While pretending to orgasm, a girl must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
to put it bluntly, none of this made me laugh.
lmfaoooo scott, what else should i ahve expected. lmao, god, so funny. though, i dont think its true, but still. lmao, god
Love it! I didn't know about the rest. Awesome sauce!
But yeah, man. What the hell's with the barely legal girls fucking decrepit old men?
It was all right. Good source though.
rotflmao Scott..and I dont no....I think I might take this and post it on my LiveJournal...I am sure sertin people would get a laugh out of it..the rest, well I just love to see there reactions.hahahahaha
but anyways, awsome one!thanks for posting!!!
and...Awsome Saus?Waird you get that from?I am totaly sure i have herd you say that before....
Morgan